


Relations is a beautiful thing

by Melody0136



Series: Booty-related [3]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), A single mention of the booty, And Ekaterina Valentina Viktoria Nikiforov, As mama and papa Nikiforov, Crack, I CANT BELIEVE I COPIED AND PASTED A LENNY INTO THE TAGS BUT FORGOT TO TAG IT AS CRACK, Igor the Fabergé Egg, M/M, Nudity, Presenting Original Characters;, Rated for implied sexytimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 10:04:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10554480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melody0136/pseuds/Melody0136
Summary: Yuuri meets Viktor's parents!At last!...Under ever so slightly compromising circumstances.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I am anything but well versed in the world of foreign (and otherwise) politics. That is evident. Or it would be if I decided to keep what scrapped instead.  
> Normally I would research, but I realised it was futile when I accidentally began to type "Russian views on sexytimes"  
> And I should be revising anyway but I haven't even started on my homework four days into the holiday and as I stared noncommittally and very much dead inside at the first of the four chemistry and physics papers I have to complete for homework, my mind inevitably began to drift and I said to myself, "fuck it", as I speedily planned this shitty crack fic out in my head.  
> There's always tomorrow and I binged up to 200,000k words of the best two slowburn fics I had subscribed to but hadn't read yet- now I lack any purpose at all because they aren't gonna update for years and I'm lost, with only minimal regret.  
> Enjoy.
> 
> If that's a plausible thing here, I dunno

Yuuri and Viktor were in the bedroom of the little studio apartment Viktor had forced Yuuri to buy as soon as they had retired from figure skating, because Yuuri was "a grown-ass man", with his own money that needed to "learn to live independently of the two lovely human beings that raised him from foetus to femme fatale in the best twenty four years of their ordinary lives".

It stung a little, but the walls of the then new apartment were, unlike the onsen's traditional design, not made out of rice paper, and therefore sex went from being an ever so slightly nervous and embarrassing affair for fear of being overheard through the practically nonexistent walls, to a completely gratifying, satisfying and significantly louder bedroom activity between the two loving and thoroughly _ardent_ husbands.

-This is one of my crack fics so I think it can easily be inferred that something relatively salacious, or vaguely nsfw or booty-related is going on in their bedroom.  
Y'know- something along the lines of a vigorous work out. (<\- trashy euphemism)  
(Work them cores boys)

  
Viktor and Yuuri were on the precipice of delicious climax when Yurio casually kicked their bedroom door clean off its hinges.

Exactly when the boy had arrived in Japan was an unknown variable in this equation.

The poor mannerless child had grown no less extra when Yuuri and Viktor left the world of figure skating for a life of pure and refreshing domesticity- if anything, the pair leaving the ice had only exacerbated his bad attitude tenfold.  
Yurio had obviously gotten his flair for dramatics- though noticeably more aggressive and uncomfortably confrontational than conventional- from Viktor, who, by now, was basically Yurio's biological father.

"Oi, cover yourselves up, you pigs!" Yurio screeched imperiously, admonishing them without even a civilised greeting- ever the entitled brat. "Viktor- do you usually introduce your lovers to your parents with your dick surgically attached to their ass?!"

.. _Parents_?

Yuuri's brain shut down before promptly imploding from the overload of panic and sheer embarrassment at the prospect of meeting the parents of his husband for the first time- after four years of marriage??- and as soon as the rest of his body figured out how to work sans cerebral functions, he scrambled to untangle himself from Viktor and shove on anything that would preserve his dignity within the next minute or so.

An unfamiliar, accented voice rang out from the hallway, "Too late, darling- here we aaare!" The lady announced.

At that moment, Katsuki Yuuri's blood cells assisted in the discovery of an entirely new shade of red as he was introduced to Ekaterina Valentina Viktoria Nikiforov in his birthday suit whilst still sexually engaged with her son.

As Yuuri struggled to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide and water, Ekaterina smiled charmingly and casually dismissed Yuuri's ascendence to a higher plane- "Don't be shy, my dear. Sex between partners is entirely natural- a way to express your love, and you shouldn't be ashamed to enjoy it!"

She was flamboyant and eccentric. Viktor's mother- yes indeed.

Yuuri resumed respiring as normal, but he wasn't quite thinking straight again, and the first thing he said to Viktor's mother was not along the lines of pleasantries, or a compliment, or something expressing his gratitude towards her for bringing a living legend to the earth but was instead, "A gift? You didn't have to."

Yuuri wasn't sure whether he physically kicked himself for such gross impertinence or if it had been purely metaphorical and his legs were still wrapped around Viktor's trim waist.

Ekaterina held a Fabergé egg to the breast of her Burberry coat.

A blue, ornate, undoubtedly real, actual, genuine Fabergé egg.

{  Here's a [link](https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=blue+faberge+egg&safe=strict&client=ms-android-huawei&prmd=sivn&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&fir=V7AY1FH4bRZyiM%253A%252C0UlYEsrzYzEhmM%252C_%253Bspp2OPme-kzGcM%253A%252CRCILOnd_SJVx8M%252C_%253Bvog6uzc_fRLPHM%253A%252CiTI5s8AEmWTo4M%252C_%253B6zgElte97efU9M%253A%252COeYo2aFpVhvnTM%252C_%253B33KZD3_63ArkjM%253A%252CdJEUSFgvve2EGM%252C_%253B1YSxD9tWOBSGyM%253A%252Cqg_LQrwgKqb2yM%252C_%253B7XKdV4uNmOtiQM%253A%252CRCILOnd_SJVx8M%252C_%253BIznXqzu9tNV6-M%253A%252C7-VSiYYzdF5OAM%252C_%253B15TEAv6N-A8UFM%253A%252CRE3ZpfVrBFFt0M%252C_%253BYXoUvXeX1xDUQM%253A%252CjNXTY2GvxyD4OM%252C_&usg=__D1aCvUnnvIk0FzJF75BDcQb51pk%3D&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjZ0dCLiJLTAhXiA8AKHY4FCS4Q7AkIMg#imgrc=spp2OPme-kzGcM:) -that's I'm pretty sure nobody will be arsed to click and after five minutes I've given up on inserting the image via URL because what even is that- because apparently not everyone knows what a Fabergé Egg is or looks like? _Tragic_ }

Ekaterina followed Yuuri's gaze and guffawed heartily. "Oh he's hi _lar_ ious Vityen'ka, where _ever_ did you find him?" She chuckled, before leisurely letting out the last of her laughter.

Viktor decided that "on YouTube" would not be a satisfactory answer.

 

Yurio interrupted, "I'm not hungry, but I'm gonna go raid your fridge." And stalked out.

 

Ekaterina continued, "Oh, my dear, say hello to Viktor's father, Igor." She held him out with practiced elegance.

Igor the (Fabergé) egg had a voice, and with it he addressed the still naked pair, "Good to see you again son. I see you're busy extending the Nikiforov line- good on you, son-" Yuuri's embarrassment quota had already risen 138% past what was healthy for a Saturday morning. It was only seven o'clock- "And good morning to you too, son-in-law." Igor spoke no more words after this.

  
Yuuri was at a loss for the fifth time that morning, "...Your husband... your father- _A Fabergé egg_??"

Ekaterina rolled her eyes as though Yuuri had argued that Victoria Beckham was no less of a fashion pioneer than Coco Chanel- "It's why his tears are a national treasure, don't you see? Vityen'ka, darling, I thought you said this boy has been an avid fan of yours right from his sexual awakening- how is he so clueless?"

Viktor ignored her in favour of explaining his parentage to his befuddled husband, "Mother's impeccable taste, undeniable class and materialistic attitude to life provided grandpapa's 14th birthday gift to her with sentience. The pair grew closer over the years, cementing their relationship whilst she was at university when he talked her out of what would have been a botched nose job as she devised an asinine plan to boost her self-confidence in the wake of her very first break up- that is, the very first time _she_ had been broken up with, of course-"

"-The first and _last_!" The woman in question interjected.

"-And after they were privately married by the Pope, I materialised out of the love they had for each other during a time at which mother began to feel inferior because all her friends were having children and moving on with their lives."

  
Poor Yuuri was still stuck at square one- "...My father-in-law is a Fabergé egg..."

Ekaterina sighed woefully and relented, "He's not the brightest, is he dear? He has a lovely figure, though, and as long as he makes you happy and you treat him right, your father and I have no qualms!"

She then spoke into a tastefully decorated earpiece that resembled a bejewelled flower, "Alexei, bring the jet in for landing."

"J-jet? _Landing? Where?! There's nowhere big enough_!" Yuuri protested.  
Viktor patted his thigh comfortingly as the nose of said jet crushed their bedroom wall to rubble.

"I haven't seen Alexei in years." Viktor mused.

"He's only just returned to our service, dear- he had to break his family's ties with the mafia that terrorises his hometown. The leader granted them reprieve after Alexei used his surgical qualifications to remove the shrapnel that had been inducing in him pulmonary cancer over the last two years whilst he couldn't be professionally diagnosed as he was too notorious to go to hospital."

"Good man."

"Isn't he? Anyways- sorry for dropping in so suddenly, darlings! We decided a visit really was overdue, and I had the morning free! Get to work on our grandchildren, boys!" She called over her shoulder as she sashayed over the wreckage. "That angry emo furry that kindly bought us here does not count- prima ballerina or not. Ta-ta now!"

Yurio had been thoroughly roasted, and it was a good thing he hadn't heard it, otherwise they would have witnessed the cat fight of the ages, and Viktor's mother was not one to hold back, regardless of age- neither was Yurio, needless to say.  
Ekaterina would mock him till he went through puberty again, and Yurio would pick apart her insecurities till she once again tried to book unnecessary surgery to fortify her sense of self worth.

It would be amusing, but harrowing.

As Ekaterina and Igor boarded the jet, she remembered her manners, "Don't worry, darlings- I know how fretful ordinary people are about casual demolition and their meagre budgets, so I contacted my little construction company in advance, and a team of workers should be arriving to repair your wall within the hour! Dasvidanya!" She shouted over the jet's engines, and they flew off to have brunch somewhere else in the Orient.

  
Yuuri exhaled heavily and flopped onto his back, not yet physically worn out, but mentally exhausted.

"What did you think of them, my love?" Viktor trilled, timorously.

Yuuri seemed to struggle for an answer that would sound positive but believable.

"...That hat, with that scarf?"

Viktor burst out laughing as his mother had of course been flawlessly dressed, and the prospect of Yuuri being qualified to judge anyone else's fashion- let alone Ekaterina's- was absolutely ludicrous (especially after that dreadful blue tie), and he knew it.  
Viktor draped himself unceremoniously across his husband because he felt like it, and they lapsed into a content silence, relishing in the feeling of each other's warmth.

 

 

"The construction crew will be here soon, love."

**Author's Note:**

> This turned out WAY longer than it needed to be.  
> The title is a Nutty Professor reference, though i cant remember if it was the first or second- looking back on it, in the Archive's font, it looks like a brilliant title-though grammatically incorrect- for some heartfelt slowburn fic about serious characters with serious problems and blossomin love.
> 
> Too bad I write nothing but crack and short oneshots 
> 
> Igor the Egg!
> 
> (KUDOS OR COMMENTS APPRECIATED IF YOU DEEM MY BS WORTHY- YOU DESERVE A PAT ON THE BACK FOR GETTING TO THE END OF IT.)


End file.
